apologies

I've noticed as I've gotten older I have become more aware of the childish things I've done in my past. There are lots of things I wish I could go back and change, but most of those things don't really bother me. I have forgotten about them and moved on. But, there are 2 experiences that I will always remember and that I will always wish I could change.

When I was in 6th grade, all of the 6th graders were in trailers outside of the school. We were changing classes one day and I saw a large group of students standing in a circle. The group just happened to be right in front of the trailer I needed to go into. Somehow I ended up with a front row view of what was happening. A few boys were throwing rocks and kicking a girl who was huddled in a ball on the ground. This girl had been picked on since elementary school and to this day I cannot figure out why. I don't know how that stuff starts. So as I stood in the circle watching this girl be harassed I remember thinking, "You have to do something. You have to help her." But, I was terrified. I was so afraid if I stood up for this girl that I would start to be made fun of. So I just stood there, frozen with fear and disgusted with myself and the other students. Soon a teacher came outside and called us all animals and told us to get to class. I have always felt bad for not doing something to help that girl. It's amazing how a stupid decision in 6th grade can stay with you forever.

The second experience I wish I could change happened in 8th grade. I was taking Latin and our teacher was...lacking in the classroom management department. We only had about 8 students in our class, but no matter what he did he could not get the class under control. A lot of the students in my class were incredibly rude to our teacher. I don't ever remember being rude to our teacher, but I do remember doing things to annoy him. (Which was so not typical of me.) Now that I am a teacher and truly understand how difficult it is, I wish I could go back and change the way I behaved. If I had students that behave the way I behaved with this teacher I would hate my life. I would quit. I would give up. It wouldn't be worth it to me.

As I've reflected on these experiences I've realized that in some small way karma came back to bite me in the butt. There have been times when I've felt left out and not accepted just like the girl I watched being beat up in 6th grade. There have been times when a student has been rude to me and that's all I can think about for the rest of the week. So if that 6th grade girl or Latin teacher ever read my blog, I'm sorry for being a jerk. I promise I'm not a jerk.

On a lighter note, 5 more weeks until the little one gets here! Yikes!!!!