Thoughts on pregnancy

After finally coming to terms with Blake's birth and growing tired of putting my life on hold because of where we live, I felt ready for baby #2.

With several symptoms of early pregnancy evident, I went to the drug store to buy a test. I also thought I might as well get some prenatal vitamins while I was there, just in case. As I was walking home from the store I wasn't really sure how I felt about possibly being pregnant. Honestly, it kind of scared me. I thought I was ready, but then thinking about the logistics of raising two kids in Brooklyn suddenly was the last thing I wanted. By the time I got home I had almost convinced myself that I wasn't pregnant. Maybe I wasn't ready.

When I took a pregnancy test to see if I was pregnant with Blake, a positive result showed up immediately. I wondered if the same thing would happen this time. Before taking the test this time around, I suddenly thought, "Don't be disappointed if you aren't pregnant." With that I took the test and got an immediate positive result.

And then I grinned. And that grin turned into a smile.

After telling Evan once he got home (which I did a way better job of this time than the first time), we decided to wait to tell our families until each family could be together.

We skyped with our families and watching them try to figure out what Blake had handed Evan in the video was fun and made us even more excited.

And then the nausea hit. Probably for the first 3 weeks after finding out I was pregnant I'd wake up nauseous, eat breakfast, feed Blake, and then lay down on the couch until noon. The thought of moving made made me want to cry. Blake enjoyed watching an inordinate amount of TV during those few weeks. Now any time I lay down on the couch he says, "No nap, Mommy!" Poor kid.

The nausea is slowly getting better, but it's still hanging around. I don't remember being really nauseous every day with Blake, but I think that's because I was so busy getting ready for my first year of teaching. I do remember eating practically all the time in order to avoid the nausea and that's exactly what I have to do this time around. And as fun as that sounds, eating is usually the last thing I want to do these days.

Normal smells bother me and sometimes I gag to think about eating the dinner I just spent an hour preparing. I remember cooking bacon one day and the smell was equivalent to burning flesh in my mind. I love bacon, but I haven't been able to eat it or even think about cooking it since I found out I was pregnant.

Oh and here's something I forgot about: weird dreams. I have very weird, very vivid dreams a few times a week. I recently had a dream that I witnessed a horrendous plane crash. I couldn't look away and I felt like I should go help the people on the plane, but I was too scared to see what their mangled bodies might look like. I woke up from the dream with my heart racing and totally out of breath.

I'm really hoping that the second trimester will come with less nausea, more energy, and fewer scary dreams. All in all I'm really excited to be expecting a baby in November. I have no idea how I'll manage city life with 2 kids. In fact, there's a good chance during those first few weeks postpartum when your hormones are trying to regulate that I'll scour craigslist for a place in the 'burbs and tell Evan we have to get out of here. And then hopefully I'll gain control of my emotions and realize I can do this. I can raise 2 kids here.