update of the century!!!

Holy mooooooooooooooooooooooooly (pronounce it like you are holding out the "o" sound, not like "moo".) I have a blogging buddy for today's post: Blake! He's sitting in my lap as I type because 1) he's just so fun to hold 2) I don't mind getting spit up on 3) he enjoys staring at the computer screen, which probably isn't a good thing for his brain 4) did I mention he's just so fun to hold? We are listening to perhaps the greatest pieces of music ever. I found an artist who turns classic rock songs into lullabies! Because let's face it, singing Mary Had a Little Lamb to baby for the 100th time can get a little old. My favorite so far is Walk This Way by Aerosmith. The artist is Dennis Caplinger and his CDs are called Rockabye Baby.

On a much more update-y note, we've finally made it to New York! I'm typing to you from Brooklyn! "You talkin' to me?" Haha I haven't actually heard anyone say that yet, but I'm ready to bust it out if need be. Before I tell you about all the new and exciting (scary) things about our new home, let me tell you about how things went down after Evan left.

My mom was in town for about 2 weeks to help me with Blake. Let's just say I couldn't have done it without her! Taking care of a new baby is exciting, but more than that it is EXHAUSTING! Perhaps because it is a 24/7 job. Seriously. This little lump of a human depends on you for everything: food, shelter, entertainment, bathroom issues, everything! And the only breaks you get are when he's sleeping. But, even if you sleep every time your baby sleeps then you'll get nothing done (including eating and showering). So to all of you women out there who are trying to decide whether you want a baby right now, just ask yourself if you are up for being out-of-your-mind exhausted for the next 40 years. If you are, then join us in mommyhood!

So after my mom left, I was on my own for about 5 weeks. Just the Blakester and his mommy. And of course the morning after my mom left, Blake decided to projectile vomit and include a little blood with it. So that was perhaps the most frightening thing I have ever experienced. I took him to the ER and in the end he was fine. The blood had actually come from me, go figure. So after 3 hours in the ER and a raging headache, let's just say I didn't make it to church that Sunday.

After that incident, Blake and I did pretty well on our own. When I needed to go places, he tagged along. And some days we just stayed in our PJ's all day long. Unfortunately our all day everyday mommy and me time came to an end when I had to go back to work. I managed to only have to go back to teach for the last 2 weeks of school. That was fun for about 1 minute, and then I wished I could have been a situation where I didn't have to return to teaching just to get insurance coverage over the summer. My students were excited to see me, which made me happy. But those 2 weeks felt like the longest 2 weeks of my life. I made the mistake of watching videos of Blake one day at lunch. It made me miss him too much. Fortunately Blake's 2 grandmas and 1 uncle were able to come out to watch him. I know they enjoyed their time with him.

After school was out and celebrations were over, the next big mountain to tackle was packing...and cleaning. I don't know if I've ever mentioned how much I hate moving, but I hate moving. Grandma Jordan was able to help with packing, which made my life a little easier. But, I always underestimate how much time packing and cleaning will take. I was packing boxes until the night before the movers came. Then on to cleaning. I was glad I had the foresight to start cleaning stuff while I took a break from packing because I would probably still be there cleaning if I hadn't. Aunt Tori was nice enough to let us stay at her apartment the night before we flew to Virginia. As a thank you gift, Blake pooped on her! She's such a great aunt that she didn't kick us out and even let us sleep on her pull-out couch. The next morning we were up and on a plane to the East coast!

Blake pretty much slept the entire 4 hour flight, which was nice because I forgot how you have a negative amount of room when you fly Southwest. The guy sitting beside me wasn't too thrilled to be sitting by a baby at first, but when Blake slept the whole flight, I think he warmed up to the idea a bit. He even let me use his tray to make Blake's bottle (because with me and Blake there wasn't enough room for me to put mine down...ya that's how much room we didn't have.) The flight had quite a bit of turbulence. (You can read about my experiences with turbulence and why I hate flying here and here.)

So we made it to Virginia and Blake finally got to meet his Grandpa Wilding! (I am under strict orders not to call him G-pop, even though that is what he wants to be called...Camille!) Blake also got to meet some of his extended family and church people I've known growing up. And in reality he won't remember any of it and we have no pictures to prove he actually met those people, so it's like it never even happened!

Finally, this past Sunday we made our way to New York! It took longer than the estimated 6 hours because the interstate was SHUT DOWN! Yep, shut down. So we had to take a detour. But the problem with detours is that everyone takes them, so you are sitting in your car next to the same car you'd be sitting next to on the interstate! So after driving slower than a snail for a few hours and paying what seemed like at least a zillion dollars in tolls, we parked on the street in front of our apartment and started to unload...except we were on the wrong street! Haha what a great way to start off life in New York! I kept looking for Evan (keep in mind that this is at midnight and it was raining). I was looking at front doors and trying to squint so I could see him. Then my dad said, "Oh, we didn't go far enough!" So we all hopped back in the car and drove another 200 yards to the real street and started to unload everything. Then, as I started to get out of the car, there was my long lost husband! I gave him a hug and a kiss, then he forgot about me and has been playing with his son ever since. Eh, who can blame him! Blake is so cute he makes you forget about everything else!

So here I am in Brooklyn, New York. I haven't been out of the apartment by myself yet. Blake and I rode the subway for the first time with Evan the other day. Blake did really well. But that's because he doesn't have to worry about getting lost and ending up in New Jersey. (I don't even know if the subway goes to Jersey!) And even if I did get us lost, he wouldn't be the wiser. I on the other hand was so overwhelmed that I couldn't pay attention to what Evan was trying to explain to me. Let's just say that I'll need to ride it about 20 more times before I feel comfortable doing it by myself.

So far, I really like our apartment (minus the fact that you can tell when our neighbor is smoking because you can smell it in our apartment and the friendly little mouse I saw for a split second in the kitchen the other day.) But I would find things wrong with any place I lived, so all in all I definitely approve of the place Evan picked for us to live. There are a few things I will have to get used to:
1) Cars honking...a lot. I guess honking is just something you do whenever you feel like it here. I usually reserve it for emergencies or when the person in front of me has a green left turn arrow and hasn't budged because they aren't paying attention. But that's just me.
2) Not having a car and relying on public transportation. There are pros and cons to having a car here. But in the end I don't think if I had a car I'd be going out anymore than I am now.
3) Being a minority. I'm coming from Utah where Caucasians abound. I think there were 3 African American children in the entire school where I taught. But I think I've only seen 5 white people since I've been here. Ok, maybe 6.
4) Rude McDonalds people...oh wait, that's everywhere.
5) Loud Spanish music blaring from cars. When I say loud, I mean it hurts my ears a block away.
But hey, that list isn't too bad, right? It's not like I have to get used to not having clean water, or not having a shower.

So that's what life has been like over the past 2 months. I can't believe we are finally in New York. Now if only our stuff would get here. But that isn't going to happen any time soon because it hasn't even left Utah yet. Ridiculous.

someone beat me to it

I should be showering right now, but I found this and wanted to share it. Even though I have only been a mother for about 5 weeks, I thought that with my new-found knowledge of what motherhood is really like I could write a best-selling book and women everywhere would buy it and thank me for being honest about motherhood and I would be rich. And with the way we are going through diapers and formula these days I have been thinking of ways I can make money from home. Well, someone already beat me to it. (Dang!) Here are the top 5 things that Vicki Glembocki says she wishes she had known before she had a baby. They are in her book The Second Nine Months, which I will be checking to see if the library has. (And if it's not that good maybe I really will write a book.)

The top 5 things I wish someone had told me before the baby came.

P.S. I would only add one thing to her list: Breastfeeding is painful and I don't care who says it isn't. If it didn't hurt for you then consider yourself lucky. I think I would have felt better about breastfeeding and not so frustrated if the lactation consultants I spoke to just admitted that it would be painful and that I would just need to keep working at it. Every time I heard, "It shouldn't be painful" I felt like I was doing something wrong and would try to fix it. Guess what. I wasn't doing anything wrong. It just hurts.

big boy

I'm sure I'll be saying this for the rest of my life, but I can't believe Blake is 1 month old! (well, with a different milestone each time of course.) He now weighs 9 lbs. 6 oz. and has started cooing! I love talking to him and having him try to talk back. And I know babies apparently don't start responding with smiles until 2 months, but today Blake totally smiled at me a couple times! And no, it wasn't gas! I've even got a picture to prove it!

Happy 1 month birthday, Blake!

(And congratulations to Mommy for surviving the first month of parenthood! It's been a bumpy one!)

trials

The nights are going to be the worst. I've never liked nighttime. I feel better when it's light outside and I know other people are moving around and doing things. When it's late at night and I'm still awake I feel like I'm the only one in the world that isn't asleep and I hate that feeling. So the nights will be the worst.

Evan left for New York a day ago and it's been just as hard as I imagined it would be. I guess when he got the job in New York I didn't have a helpless infant and thought, "Oh ya, we can be apart for 2 months. It will stink, but I can manage." Little did I know. Ha, very little did I know.

It all hit me March 23, the day Blake was born. I had an appointment to be induced at 7 am a week after my original due date. Of course we ended up leaving late and hit traffic. We drive to American Fork every morning at that time and there is rarely any traffic. But of course, the day we are supposed to have our baby there is traffic. We got to the hospital around 7:15 am and within 5 minutes of being there I had changed into my gown and had an IV in my arm. Those nurses were not messing around!
As I laid in the hospital bed I thought to myself, "Ok, now all I have to do is dilate to 10 cm, push, and then we'll have a baby!" I knew it wasn't going to be that easy, but I had faith that my body would do what it needed to do. Prior to being induced I had only had a few mild contractions. I wasn't even dilated to 1 cm when I got to the hospital so I knew it was going to be a long day. But I tried to stay optimistic. The last thing I wanted was a C-section. But oftentimes in life the last thing you want is what you actually get.

After 4 hours of labor I asked for an epidural. The contractions weren't terrible, but I was afraid if I waited any longer it would be really hard for me to sit still while someone stuck a needle into my spinal column as the contractions got stronger. I had the epidural, which wasn't bad at all. I thought it was going to be really painful, but it wasn't. The IV they put in my hand was a lot more painful. After the epidural I was numb and just sat in bed waiting for my body to do its thing.

After about 6 hours of labor I was dilated to 3 cm. Progress, but very slow progress. At that point the baby's heart rate started to drop and the doctor became concerned. He stopped the pitocin to see if the baby's heart rate would go back up. Eventually it did, but I didn't make any progress for 2 hours while I was off the pitocin. When the baby's heart rate was stable, they started the pitocin and said that if the heart rate dropped again a c-section would probably be necessary. And that's the last thing I wanted to hear.

The baby's heart rate stayed pretty stable, but my body was not making the progress it needed to. At 7 pm that night after 12 hours of labor the doctor said I was only dilated to 5 cm. I knew what that meant. He told me that I would need to have a C-section. After the doctor left the room I looked at Evan and couldn't hold back the tears. For some reason I didn't want to cry in front of the doctor that was about to slice me open. An anesthesiologist came into my room and explained what he would do to numb me so I wouldn't feel anything. He told me there was a 95% chance I wouldn't feel anything. But, there was a chance that after he increased the epidural medication that I would be able to feel the doctor cutting me. He said if I did feel anything to let him know and that there would be 10 seconds of pain and then I would be out cold. I was scared.

Within 10 minutes of being told I was going to have a C-section they had Evan in scrubs and were wheeling me to the operating room. I wanted so badly to call my mom, but I didn’t really have time and I knew I would totally lose it if I had to tell her what was happening. I hated that Evan couldn't be with me the whole time. He had to wait until everything was prepped before he could be in the operating room. He had been with me the whole day and at the moment I really needed him he couldn't be there. I knew he desperately wanted to. It was just me, the baby inside of me, and a team of doctors and nurses. I felt alone. Very alone.

As the nurses wheeled me into the operating room, they asked me if I could move myself onto the operating table even though I was numb. I thought they were crazy. I couldn't feel anything from my waist down and they wanted me to move myself. But, somehow I did, which really scared me. I thought, if I can move myself onto the operating table then surely I'm going to feel the doctor cutting me. The anesthesiologist then pumped me full of numbing medication. As I laid on the operating table I prayed. At that point that's all I could do. I prayed that everything would be ok, that at the end of this C-section Evan and I would have a beautiful baby boy to hold and love.

Right before they started the surgery Evan came into the room. He came and held my hand and told me everything would be ok. One of the nurses asked Evan to take off my wedding rings and put them in a bag for safe keeping. Then the doctor asked me if I felt him pinching me and I couldn't. That was a good sign. Next the surgery started. Evan had already decided he wasn't going to look as they cut me open. He wanted to be conscious when the baby was born. All I really could feel was pressure. I couldn't hold back the tears. I've watched too many TLC baby shows and know exactly what happens during a C-section. I couldn't stop myself from picturing what they were doing. The anesthesiologist asked me if I was in pain because I was crying. I shook my head no. All I wanted to hear was the baby cry. I knew if I could hear him cry I would be ok.

Then I heard it: Blake's first little cry. He was out! The nurses took him over to clean him up and check his vitals. Evan went to take pictures of him so I could see him. Then the doctor told me there was going to be an incredible amount of pressure. I'm not sure what they were doing, but I thought my lungs were going to pop out of my mouth. They must have been pushing down on me with all of their strength. That was the worst part of the actual surgery.
As Evan took video and pictures, I laid there trying to take it all in. I could hear Blake crying. I was a mother. It didn't really go the way I had planned it, but I was a mother. Evan brought over pictures for me to look at and instantly I thought Blake looked like a Wilding. I don't know who I thought he looked like, but I thought I recognized him even though I had never seen him. He definitely had my nose.Finally a nurse brought Blake over to me so I could see him. He was so peaceful. He just stared at me. I just stared at him. I kissed him on the cheek and they took him to the nursery to do some more tests. I wouldn't see him for another 2 and a half hours. I wanted Evan to go with Blake to the nursery, but Evan really wanted to stay with me. After what happened in the next 2 hours, I'm so glad Evan decided to stay with me. I'm not sure I would have been able to handle it on my own.
While I was still on the operating table, one of the nurses removed the epidural catheter from my back. Unfortunately she removed it before the anesthesiologist put in the pain medication I would need after the surgery. When I was all stitched up and returned to the room where I would recover, the anesthesiologist tried to give me the pain meds through my epidural catheter...the epidural catheter that was no longer there. I distinctly remember him saying to the nurse, "Oh, you already took it out." And the nurse said, "Oh, I thought you already gave her the medication. It says here you gave her the medication." Note to the anesthesiologist: work on your poker face. The look on his face told me that what just happened was going to be very bad for one person: me.

He gave me the medication through my IV. But, that didn't do anything. I told the nurse my pain was getting worse. It went from a really painful ache on my right side to an intense burning sensation. My pain went from a 6 to a 10 in about 15 minutes. The nurse gave me morphine. When that didn't work she gave me more morphine. When that didn't work she gave me something that started with a T. When that didn't work she gave me Demerol. That worked. I was in incredible pain for about 2 hours. After each dosage of medicine I had to wait 15 minutes to see if it would take affect. The whole time I squeezed Evan's hand. I squeezed it so hard I left nail marks in his hand that didn't go away for a day. All I could keep saying was, "Please make it stop! Please make it stop!" Evan gave me a blessing which helped me deal with the pain. Unfortunately that wasn't the worst of it.

As I lay writhing in pain, the nurse came over and told me she had to push on my stomach-the same general area where they had just cut me open, pulled a baby out, and stitched me up. And then the screaming began. I'm not usually the type of person that lets people know I'm in pain. I just quietly deal with it. Not this time. On 3 separate occasions the nurse had to push on my stomach. And each time she pushed I squeezed Evan's hand and screamed.

Finally the pain medication started working. I had no sense of time while I was recovering. All I was aware of was that I was in excruciating pain and that I had only been able to see Blake for 2 minutes. They wheeled me down to the mother/baby floor and I was finally reunited with my baby. I had gotten out of surgery at around 10:30 and Evan brought Blake to me around 1 am. I didn't want to put him down. I was so exhausted from the day, but all I wanted to do was hold him. I figured I'd think my own baby was cute, but as I stared at him I knew he was beautiful and not only I would think so. He was perfect. He was more perfect than I could have ever imagined. I thanked Heavenly Father that night for 3 things: an amazing husband who was at my bedside throughout the entire experience holding my hand and comforting me, an angelic baby boy that had only passed through the veil hours before and brought with him a piece of heaven, and pain medication that worked.
I held Blake for an hour or so. I can't remember if I fed him that night or not. Then his Grandma Jordan was kind enough to rock him for 2 hours while Evan and I slept. It was around 4 am that I realized Evan never gave me back my wedding rings...but that's another story for another time.

In about 8 weeks Blake and I will be moving to New York. In the meantime I'll be caring for my beautiful baby with help from my family. And unfortunately I'll be returning to work for a few weeks. I'm not sure how that is going to go. I imagine it is going to be the worst few weeks of my life because Evan won't be here and I won't be with Blake most of the day. But, life is full of really hard trials we have to go through. And Heavenly Father has blessed me with so many wonderful people in my life to help me through this.

On a much cuter note, Evan told me that he woke up this morning holding his pillow like a baby. He really misses Blake.

Oh baby!

eternally minded

These were among the many words from excited family members I found comforting on the eve of our baby's arrival.

"Whitney is being induced tomorrow and it's made me think: somewhere today a son and Father and Mother are starting their final day together. They're in the kitchen, each enjoying their favorite bowl of cereal, talking about life together; experiences come up that make them laugh -- really laugh. At lunchtime our ancestors come over to the house. They serve taco salad because Mary's there. More funny, funny stories are shared by members of the Jordan family. Talk about laughter! After lunch they move into the family room. There, the tone turns serious as Blake gets a history lesson about the name he will be given in mortality. The history unfolds from the beginning to the present. It's powerful. There's been heartache, fear, loneliness and everything in between. But there's also been joy, covenants, faithfulness, determination, commitment and courage. Time passes quickly and it's time to go. They file past him one by one, "You're special, Blake." "We love you, Blake." "We're proud of you, Blake." "Don't blow it, Blake" "Kick that damn dog for me, Blake" (that's grandpa Jones).

Left alone is Father, Mother and son. They sit down on the couch in the living room and listen to Theodor Seuss Gisel read, "Oh, The Places You'll Go". They giggle again, knowing that some of it's true. They knows it's 5:30pm on earth in Utah and Blake needs to pack his bags. Our Father in heaven sleeps on the bottom bunk tonight, and He and Blake talk into the night. Tomorrow's a big day. We better get some sleep. There is peace and joy.

As Blake is born tomorrow, still ringing in his ears will be the final words God, the Father told him. Evan and Whitney, too, will hear the message as Blake enters mortality. It will be unspoken, but loud and clear and unmistaken. It is the instant that heaven and earth become one.

He will bring with him peace and joy (and some popsicles from Great Grandpa Jordan)."

Evan's father put these thoughts together and it's made me think of the time we all spent with Heavenly Father and Mother before we made our earthly appearance. It's comforting to think that our little one was so loved before he came to us and that there are so many people here who already love him without even knowing him. It's also comforting to know that even though our baby won't come with a handbook, we can ask his heavenly parents, who know him so well, for help when we don't have a clue what to do.

blessings

39 weeks...and still working. I'll be honest, I haven't complained much through out this entire pregnancy. I really haven't had any reason to complain. First trimester nausea wasn't terrible. It wasn't fun, but it wasn't a nightmare. (Well throwing up cold milk that hadn't been in my body long enough to warm up was interesting.) Second trimester brought a surge of energy. But now as I approach D-day, I'm really starting to feel it. My back hurts, my legs hurt, my face has decided it's back in high school and I have a lovely array of pimples. And the tears flow nightly as I struggle to get my substitute plans in order. I can't even wrap my brain around the fact that Evan will be leaving at the end of this month AND that I will have to go back to work in May. Wow just typing it out makes me want to scream about how unfair life is. But I can't do that. Because life hasn't been unfair to me. In fact, it seems I've been blessed more in the last 9 months than in my entire life. Here are a few examples:

1) I actually got a teaching job at a time when there are not any teaching jobs to spare.
2) I teach at a really great school.
3)I think my job has kept me from gaining unnecessary weight during my pregnancy. I stand for about 6 hours a day.
4)I don't think I could have a desk job. It is so uncomfortable to sit for long periods of time. I have to lay down or stand to be comfortable.
5) Evan recently got a job in New York...yea East Coast! (yikes, I'm going to live in NY!)
6)I have so many friends and family members who are so excited for the arrival of our baby. I can't imagine if people weren't excited!
7)Despite not having insurance prior to my job, Evan and I have been relatively healthy.
8) I get to be a mom. I've always wanted to be a mother, and now I get to have that opportunity.

I know there are many more blessings I've received. Those are just the ones that circle through my mind each day.
So I can push through these last few days (hopefully it's days) and do what I have to do for my family. I probably won't do it all with a smile (remember the nightly tears?), but I'll do it. Because I've been blessed.