Monday, June 16, 2008

oh and did I mention I hate flying?

After my last trip back from VA, I decided flying in an airplane was at the bottom of my to-do list. This was probably because the crazy pilot decided it would be ok to drop from 25, 000 feet to 15, ooo feet in a matter of two seconds. For more on this story, scroll down. After much contemplation I decided that maybe I didn't like flying for more than two hours rather than not liking flying at all. I guess I imagined that the longer I am in the air the more time there is for something bad to happen. Like maybe four hours gives the engines just enough time to overheat and blow up sending little old Whitney plummeting to the ground as opposed to two hours where the engines stay nice and functioning.

Alas, I have confirmed that I do not like flying at all. I don't like waiting in the airport. I don't like rushing to line up when the plane is ready to board. I don't like sitting in a seat that is really designed for one butt cheek, not two. I don't like sitting by people I don't know. I don't like breathing airplane air. You would think that being so high up in the sky you would get some fresh air. No. You don't. I don't like the take off. It always feels like the butt of the plane is going to scrape the ground. I'm constantly thinking, "Get it up, get it up!" I certainly don't like having to yell my drink order at the flight attendant. Personally I try not to drink anything before and during a flight because there's no way I'm crawling over two people to use the tiniest bathroom known to man. But as of late I've felt nauseous while flying and need a little carbonation to settle the ol' tum tum. I don't like not being able to move at all. The whole seat reclining thing is a joke. You go from here, to here. (If you could see my hand it would be pointing straight up, then only slightly to the right but still basically up.) And don't get me started about the time my head was crushed when I tried to fall asleep on the tray table and the lady in front of me reclined her seat. I should have punched the back of her seat as hard as I could and said, "Oh by all means, take up the whole dang plane!" But probably the thing I hate most about flying is turbulence. If I were a pilot I would avoid turbulence at all cost. I would fly around turbulence. Actually if I were a pilot I would probably just keep the plane on the ground and drive to the destination. Do you know how big a plane is? Seriously. Who would stop us? I'm sure that pilots try to avoid turbulence as much as possible. But it seems like the last two flights I've been on have been turbulence bound. The last flight I was on got pretty bumpy towards the end. The flight was only an hour and a half long, but I felt like I was two minutes from death. The flight was ok because I got to watch TV (whoever decided to do the personal TV thing on JetBlue was a genius) so I wasn't really focusing on the big metal bird of death that I voluntarily boarded an hour ago. But of course the turbulence started. It wasn't just a few bumps. It was continuous bumping and dipping like you are driving on some back country dirt road that has potholes. At one point during the flight of death I could feel the wind pushing the plane. At this point I knew I was done. I just doubled over and put my head on Evan's lap. Of course he's cool as a freakin' cucumber. I bet if the plane was really spiralling out of control he'd still be saying, "It's ok. You're fine." while everyone else, including me, is screaming and trying to grab the oxygen masks from the ceiling. (by the way, are those oxygen masks real or are they just there to make you feel like you can still breathe?) Of course the lady next to me is looking at me like I'm crazy. I think she was a little nervous too. She actually took my seatbelt so when I sat down it was awkward having to act like I didn't notice that she had incorrectly buckled her seatbelt using my strap and try to dig under her for another flimsy strap of fabric that we all know isn't doing anything if that plane goes down. When I started to struggle to get the belt she said, "Oh, sorry. I don't know why it's like that." I wanted to say, "It's like that because you are sitting on your belt and grabbed mine by mistake. That's why it's like that. But we're all gonna die anyway. You might as well be strapped in for it." Anyway so we eventually land. I looked at Evan and told him I was never flying again. I don't care how far I have to drive, I'm not flying. But we all know that's not true.

Check out this website for turbulence info. I feel a little better about flying after reading some of the questions and answers. I still hate turbulence.

1 comment:

Tori Wilding said...

Words I liked in this post:
"Get it up! Get it up!"
"ol' tum tum"
"drive to the destination"
"But we're all gonna die anyway"