Thursday, December 20, 2012

Worst Fear: Confirmed

Before Trevor was born I had one big fear: I was afraid Blake would start to feel less loved and cared about because of the time and attention a newborn requires.

Maybe it was inevitable. I don't know how to split my time between 2 little boys and it's becoming obvious.

When we first brought Trevor home, Blake was excited and curious. We made sure to help him understand how important being a good big brother is. And with Evan home from work and my mom and sister in town for a week to help out, Blake always had someone paying attention to him. But settling into real life when it's just me at home is bringing out the monster in me AND the sneaky/rude/angry little 2 year old who likes to provoke the monster, in Blake.

Tuesday was an especially hard day. I was exhausted from being up with Trevor in the night and had zero patience for Blake as soon as he was up for the day. And as the morning progressed and both boys needed more and more of my attention, I just got angrier and angrier. Lots of time outs and a few spankings later and I was ready to run away from this new life as a mom of two.

Wednesday was a little better. I was able to control my anger and did my best to stay calm when Blake threw a tantrum instead of flying off the handle like I had all day Tuesday. We went to a friend's house for a play date and while I was excited for Blake to be able to get out of the house and play with other kids, I didn't recognize the aggressive little boy who was pushing kids and angrily yelling at people. I felt like he was imitating my angry yelling.

Evan put Blake to bed that night and recounted a conversation he had with Blake. "Daddy, do you love me?" This isn't the first time Blake has asked this question. On a few occasions since Trevor was born, Blake has asked me, "Mommy, you don't love me?" or "Mommy, you don't like me?". He never asked that question before Trevor was born. My fear of Blake feeling unloved has been confirmed.

I knew life was going to be rough for a little while. And while everyone in our family is experiencing the struggles that sometimes come with big changes, I feel like Blake is feeling it the most.

After the nightmare that Tuesday was, I've started reviewing each day to look for what went well and what I will do better the next day. I can't go back and change the Tuesdays of each week where I've turned into someone I don't recognize. But I can make sure the next day is a little better so eventually both boys will get the love and attention they need and less of the anger and contention that takes over more frequently than I'd like to admit.

This motherhood stuff is hard.

1 comment:

Emily said...

If Elizabeth can survive the triple bomb we threw at her, Blake can survive this. I remember a moment when she was throwing a tantrum and it hit me that she was just expressing in her 2-yr-old way all the emotional upheaval she'd experienced recently. I just held her and talked to her about how hard it is to be a big sister, but how good a job she's doing. I also made a point to have a one-on-one moment--even just a moment--with her every day that we could talk about at the end of the day when i put her to bed. You're doing great! He'll be fine. Every kid that's not an only child goes through this and comes out fine. :)