Letters

Dear street solicitor,

I think it's great that you are trying to help the environment. Personally, I feel like I help the environment a lot because I do not own a car and use public transportation everywhere I go. I also use reusable water bottles, and only do laundry once a week. I do let the water run when I brush my teeth, so I could improve on that. But I want you to think for a moment. You see me approaching you and I have an infant strapped to my chest, a 3 year old holding onto my hand, and a stroller filled with Target bags because I bought way too much stuff and am now tasked with getting it all home. Please do not try to talk to me. It's not your fault I bought too much stuff. That's on me. But I am in no position to have any sort of intelligent conversation with you. My main goal is to get my children and my belongings onto a train that will take us home as quickly as possible. That's what I'm focused on. I cannot stray from this focus. If my attention is diverted for even a second, before I know it I will have a screaming baby and a tantruming 3 year old. I gotta keep these kids happy and sane for the next 30 minutes while we get home. Yes, I think everyone should be environmentally conscience. I think everyone could do more to help the planet. But right now you can just get out of my way and not be offended when all I can muster is a frown smile and shaking my head "no" as I pass you by. I promise I'll pick up some litter at the playground. And I'll teach my kids to be kind to the earth. But right now I just need to catch the next train home.

Kindly,
leave me alone


Dear dog owners,

Please pick up your dog's feces. Yep, it's gross. That's one of the main reasons I think I'll never have a dog. I can't deal with more poop. Especially dog poop. I wish I was brave enough to stop you and ask you to pick it up when you just walk away from your dog's business. But I'm not. So be a nice person and pick it up so we don't have to play "dodge the poop" on our way home.

Sincerely,
tired of poop


Dear overly affectionate teenagers,

I know. You're "in love". But  no one wants to see it. And I really don't enjoy trying to explain to my 3 year old what you're doing. So show some class.

Sincerely,
wanting you to get a room but think that would be highly inappropriate for someone your age


Dear summer,

Please don't be unbearable this year. Please.

Sincerely,
not ready to sweat 24/7

Dearest Neighbor,

Over the past month I've gone from feeling bad for having such a loud child, to hating you, to reading about how I'm supposed to love you and then trying to love you, back to hating you, then to thinking you are just plain ridiculous.

I know you think I'm one of those mothers who lets her child run amok all day long with very few restrictions. But I promise you, I am not.

Despite what you think (and what you accused me of tonight in our somewhat heated conversation), I do not "entice him to run around". I absolutely never chase him. EVER. When you hear me calling his name, it's usually to either to get him to stop running or to be quiet. I spend most of my days now pleading with him to be quiet. And sometimes that pleading turns into yelling. And time out. All because you say we are too loud.

And despite what you also accused me of, we do have a rug. And we have a play mat for him to play on.

Yes, he does run around most days. He also loves to dance when he hears music. I usually let him do it for about 1 minute and then force him to stop, which results in tantrums, which result in more noise.

Yes, he does drop and throw his toys sometimes. And I try to teach him not to do that. But he's 22 months old. That basically describes a 22 month old: really loud and not very good at listening, probably because they are so loud.

source

I was happy to hear that you got a set of ear plugs. It shows me that you are at least trying to do something to solve the problem and not just putting it all on me. But like I said a million times tonight, there's not much I can do. It's not my fault that you work at home. It's not my fault that our apartment isn't properly insulated.

Here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to focus on my family. I'm going to focus on what is best for my child. I told you I'd try even harder to reduce the noise and I will. I warned you that there will still be noise. But your ridiculous claims and requests tonight have taught me 2 things:

I'm not a confrontational person, but I won't let you (or anyone else) walk all over me. (Thank you, NY for bringing that out in me.) And I made that clear tonight.

I'm going to make sure Blake knows he is loved. It never really occurred to me that other people might not be too fond of Blake. He's cute and sweet, and gives great hugs. And he deserves to be a 2 year old and do things a 2 year old likes to do. Whether you like it or not.

 Sincerely,
Your upstairs neighbor

P.S. I'm terribly sorry that we were sick last week. All of the coughing you said you heard must have been so annoying.

Dear (fill-in-the-blank),

Dear kitchen,

I can't stand you. You always smell. The only thing I can figure out is that food rots in the trash can at a faster rate because it gets so hot during the day and there is no a/c to cool you down. But frankly, I don't care what your excuse is. I still hate you.

Sincerely,
hating you


Dear 1 hour nap,

You are no longer welcome in my home. Tell your friends 2 and 3 hour nap they are required to be here everyday around noon.

Sincerely,
hate not being able to finish a few chapters in the book I'm reading


Dear amazing apartments in Brooklyn,

Where are you?

Sincerely,
searching


Dear red wine vinegar,

I've done way too much reading about whether you contain alcohol or not. I'm going to use you anyway.

Sincerely,
don't care anymore


Dear TV stand,


You look great!


Sincerely,
Whitney

Dear (fill-in-the-blank),

Dear lady who is visiting the people who live above us,

I'm used to being around cigarette smoke because apparently it's the thing to do if you live here. Personally I think it's disgusting and I hate that I have to smell it everywhere I go, even sometimes in my apartment. I saw you sitting on the front porch this morning puffing away. And even though it boggles my mind that people smoke, it's your choice to do so if you desire. But please don't flick your ashes on the porch. My baby plays there and will inevitably be eating those ashes. Go flick them somewhere else.

Sincerely,
trying to breathe clean air


Dear dog owners,

Clean up your dog's poop. If you didn't want to be bending down and picking up your dog's mess then you shouldn't have gotten a dog.

Sincerely,
grossed out


Dear lazy people who throw their trash on the ground,

Seriously? You really can't take the time to find a trash can? You are far too busy to expend the mental and physical energy to throw YOUR trash into a trash receptacle? Well then I think you're a piece of trash and wish I could throw you away.

Sincerely,
tired of picking up garbage so my child doesn't play with it


Dear bossy kids at the playground,

If your parents couldn't hear me I would say something really mean to you. Instead I'm just going to give you the meanest look I can muster and ignore you telling my child he can't play on the slide.

Sincerely,
not looking forward to summer days at the playground with annoying kids